New Attitude

Wow, think these lyrics say it all ...
" I'm feelin' good from my head to my shoes
Know where I'm goin' and I know what to do
I tied it up my point of view
I got a new attitude! "

I'm on track and feeling positive. True to my word I sought out some different perspective and advice re my shoulder. I had been playing ostrich for so long ignoring what I knew to be true but not wanting to face the inevitable and make a decision. So on Friday I spoke to yet another Physio, madness I hear you say, yet I wanted to talk to someone who would with an open mind listen to the saga, look at my numerous images and reports and give an independent view. I wanted someone who wasn't close to me or the situation yet would understand my craving for both recovery and CrossFit. I wasn't looking for a different diagnosis, I wasn't doubting that. What I have come to realize is what I needed was someone to confirm and give me the confidence to stand up for myself and ask for the treatment path I wanted to take and not be pushed straight to surgery. I know there is a risk that Hydrodilatation won't work and I still may require surgery but I choose the less invasive path at this point.
Amazing what a little confidence and a change of attitude can do. There is no reason why I can't go back to CrossFit, albeit modified and listen to my body and pain signals. Those words alone were enough to lift my spirits and do a little happy dance.It even brought back the motivation to keep persevering with my running, though I still can't see myself ever saying I love running. This morning I dragged myself out the door and ran/walked along the waterfront, this doesn't sound like much but it has been a long time since I have gotten up and felt like doing any exercise let alone a run. All my running was done at the end of the day after my body and brain was warmed up and functioning. This morning I felt an urge to run, I felt like crap initially when I was done but after about fifteen minutes I felt fabulous and ready to face today and whatever challenges it brought.
So time to revisit my sports medicine Doctor to tell her how I would like to progress with treatment fully armed with the knowledge that if she objects I can get a referral to another Doctor who will listen.

Time to keep moving forward with my new attitude.

Goal Setting

OK time to get real, stop talking (whining) and start doing.
Time to set some goals in place and get back on track.
So with this in mind what exactly do I want?
 My number one "want" is to get back to CrossFit. I can't explain how much I miss it, the training, the community, the feeling of personal achievements (once you stop thinking you are dying). Most people know about my ongoing shoulder issues and I won't bore you all once again except to say I plateaued with my recovery ,was advised to stop CrossFit at this stage and and have reached a crossroads as to treatment options.
I started running more, occasionally riding my bike but wasn't happy. I don't enjoy running, it doesn't come easy and the voices in my head won't be silenced. Living with someone who still regularly Crossfits despite an injury adds fuel to the voices and self doubt. Slowly the running time and distance lessened until it was virtually non existent. Not surprisingly as the running declined so did my fitness and motivation. I think the final straw was volunteering at a fundraising competition for the local box. I had a fabulous day but at the back of my mind was that niggling little voice wishing that I was able to do more than just judge, I wanted to be doing those WODs.
So what now? Time to take control back, stop wallowing in self pity.
First step is to get a second opinion, so making the decision re surgery is totally and fully informed. I have been burying my head in the sand and ignoring it all doesn't change a thing.
In the mean time it's back to running, at least it is a focus and something that is achievable. It seems a lot of people like me don't particularly like running but they do it anyway. I have a plan to build slowly, I think we all start with good intentions and admiral goals, then find ourselves overwhelmed and under enthused with our progress. I am being realistic and am not going to focus on the distance but instead time, the following quote makes sense to me;
"Be a minuteman "The biggest mistake that new runners make is that they tend to think in mile increments-1 mile, 2 miles, 3 miles. Beginning runners need to think in minutes, not miles." -Budd Coates, four-time U.S. Olympic Marathon Trials qualifier/coach"
I will listen to my body and not the voices, small steps are better than no steps.
She who never risks going beyond her limits should never complain about the mediocrity of her existence

Kick-starting the Journey

Deep breath and here we go again,back on the roller-coaster that seems to be defining this journey. It seems that this blog is my sanity, my accountability and my last line of defense. I have been asked why I put this all out to the universe, why share? Sometimes I ask the same question of myself, but the truth of it is I write mainly for myself. Writing is therapeutic for me.If others read it that's great, if  I find a kindred spirit or it helps someone else in their journey, fabulous. 
The other side of the coin is I write because then somebody else knows...
It's easier not to be open about where I am along the road.
It's easier to think I can and will do this alone, to make promises to myself that I will set goals and do something, because then when I fail to keep those promises there are no repercussions, no consequences. Sure I feel like crap, feel guilty that I have let myself down, but no one else knows unless I tell them. Much easier to keep telling myself I can do this alone.
I put this out to the universe because I am amazingly good at hiding things unless I force myself to reveal them. I will stuff things down, plaster a smile on my face even if I feel like I am being eaten alive from the inside out. I can suppress things particularly well.
Funnily enough it is also that ability that has allowed me to get through some major hurdles in my life, to some extent made me stronger and I have survived. But it's not a healthy place to be and time to make more changes.
Time to say out loud when I need help, for someone to hear and for me to know I've been heard. I'll be more likely to stay on track and I won't quietly derail once again.
Now I am not asking anyone to take responsibility for me, I am not asking to be supported or for anyone to feel they have to keep me on track or be a part of the journey.
I am sharing this journey because I have to.
I share this journey because if someone else is reading this it will keep me honest.
I share this journey because maybe someone else is on a similar road and they will feel as though they are not travelling alone. Someone else stuffing it all down, trying to manage it all inside their head.
I share this journey because nothing is easy, it's hard and it's scary and the hardest step to take is always the first. I know it won't be easy, I know there will be hurdles and obstacles, the biggest being the voice in my head. But I know it will be worth the effort.
Thanks for sharing the journey with me , time to buckle up and hold on tight I think it's going to be another bumpy ride.