Gratitude

A picture on a good friends facebook page this morning (Thank-you Jan) got me thinking about where my focus has been lately. My outlook has been negative to say the least with several aspects of my life and I must admit that my way of dealing with issues had become counterproductive. Like a lot of people I found myself refusing to recognize problems, denying responsibility, pretending they would go away if I ignored them none of which actually helped and if anything made some things worse. I was my own worst enemy and although I was moving forward the negatives of problems/issues seemed to be what was spoken about, and as summed up in the following quote I had become a victim of myself.
"Don't become a victim of yourself. Forget about the thief waiting in the alley; what about the thief in your mind?"

So how to change that mindset, to take time to pause and consider what are the things that bring me joy and what am I grateful for?

Family I am so grateful to have a family that loves and supports me for who I am especially when at my worst. For my extended Family and for the four gorgeous grandchildren I have been blessed with.

Friends For great friends who have been there through thick and thin. For old friends, new friends and those I have yet to meet.

Work For a job that I enjoy and love (most days) and for the trust families have in entrusting their precious children to my care.

Health we often take our good health for granted. Even though not in perfect health at the moment,I am grateful for what I have and thankful that I do not have to face at this time the challenges and chronic illness that others live with on a day to day basis.

Inner Strength I am stronger than I think and I am grateful for what I have achieved, endured and lived through, it can only lead to good things. Take a moment and appreciate what you’re good at, how well you manage. 

Painful Lessons Now this may seem a strange thing to be grateful for but some of life’s lessons are inevitably going to be painful. However, I have discovered that the harder the lesson – the more potential for growth it represents. Be grateful for life’s hard lessons, for the pain and the suffering – because it will help you grow – is a really nice way to turn something bad into something good.

Perspective Looking at things in perspective is another one of life’s blessings. It’s so much easier in hindsight than in the moment! Be grateful when you manage to look at a situation differently, from another persons point of view or you see consequences for different actions. Seeing things from another person’s perspective is often painful and hard, and it will often make us grow as human beings. Being able to feel gratitude when looking at a time when you experienced painful growth will double it.

A Great Book Getting lost in a really good novel, is a wonderful feeling.Sometimes it amazes me how words on paper can bring me so much joy!

Great Music For the same reasons as above, music has the power to transform my mood and nothing is better than some music to dance to while you do your housework or to get me through a run or workout

Life So easy to overlook, but so so fundamental. I am grateful for being alive.

The Small Things The magic really is in the small things. A spontaneous meal with friends, a cup of coffee, sunshine through my window, a small moment of joy, a child's laughter – all are really small things that give me tremendous amounts of happiness.

My Body last but not least (though this list is in no particular order) I am grateful for my body, with all it's flaws and imperfections. I am grateful for legs that let me walk , dance and run and a body that is strong enough to enjoy and do the crossfit I love (even if it is modified).  

Funny how many things you can find to be grateful for when you start looking with fresh eyes.

What brings Joy to your life? 

What are you grateful for today?

New Attitude

Wow, think these lyrics say it all ...
" I'm feelin' good from my head to my shoes
Know where I'm goin' and I know what to do
I tied it up my point of view
I got a new attitude! "

I'm on track and feeling positive. True to my word I sought out some different perspective and advice re my shoulder. I had been playing ostrich for so long ignoring what I knew to be true but not wanting to face the inevitable and make a decision. So on Friday I spoke to yet another Physio, madness I hear you say, yet I wanted to talk to someone who would with an open mind listen to the saga, look at my numerous images and reports and give an independent view. I wanted someone who wasn't close to me or the situation yet would understand my craving for both recovery and CrossFit. I wasn't looking for a different diagnosis, I wasn't doubting that. What I have come to realize is what I needed was someone to confirm and give me the confidence to stand up for myself and ask for the treatment path I wanted to take and not be pushed straight to surgery. I know there is a risk that Hydrodilatation won't work and I still may require surgery but I choose the less invasive path at this point.
Amazing what a little confidence and a change of attitude can do. There is no reason why I can't go back to CrossFit, albeit modified and listen to my body and pain signals. Those words alone were enough to lift my spirits and do a little happy dance.It even brought back the motivation to keep persevering with my running, though I still can't see myself ever saying I love running. This morning I dragged myself out the door and ran/walked along the waterfront, this doesn't sound like much but it has been a long time since I have gotten up and felt like doing any exercise let alone a run. All my running was done at the end of the day after my body and brain was warmed up and functioning. This morning I felt an urge to run, I felt like crap initially when I was done but after about fifteen minutes I felt fabulous and ready to face today and whatever challenges it brought.
So time to revisit my sports medicine Doctor to tell her how I would like to progress with treatment fully armed with the knowledge that if she objects I can get a referral to another Doctor who will listen.

Time to keep moving forward with my new attitude.

Goal Setting

OK time to get real, stop talking (whining) and start doing.
Time to set some goals in place and get back on track.
So with this in mind what exactly do I want?
 My number one "want" is to get back to CrossFit. I can't explain how much I miss it, the training, the community, the feeling of personal achievements (once you stop thinking you are dying). Most people know about my ongoing shoulder issues and I won't bore you all once again except to say I plateaued with my recovery ,was advised to stop CrossFit at this stage and and have reached a crossroads as to treatment options.
I started running more, occasionally riding my bike but wasn't happy. I don't enjoy running, it doesn't come easy and the voices in my head won't be silenced. Living with someone who still regularly Crossfits despite an injury adds fuel to the voices and self doubt. Slowly the running time and distance lessened until it was virtually non existent. Not surprisingly as the running declined so did my fitness and motivation. I think the final straw was volunteering at a fundraising competition for the local box. I had a fabulous day but at the back of my mind was that niggling little voice wishing that I was able to do more than just judge, I wanted to be doing those WODs.
So what now? Time to take control back, stop wallowing in self pity.
First step is to get a second opinion, so making the decision re surgery is totally and fully informed. I have been burying my head in the sand and ignoring it all doesn't change a thing.
In the mean time it's back to running, at least it is a focus and something that is achievable. It seems a lot of people like me don't particularly like running but they do it anyway. I have a plan to build slowly, I think we all start with good intentions and admiral goals, then find ourselves overwhelmed and under enthused with our progress. I am being realistic and am not going to focus on the distance but instead time, the following quote makes sense to me;
"Be a minuteman "The biggest mistake that new runners make is that they tend to think in mile increments-1 mile, 2 miles, 3 miles. Beginning runners need to think in minutes, not miles." -Budd Coates, four-time U.S. Olympic Marathon Trials qualifier/coach"
I will listen to my body and not the voices, small steps are better than no steps.
She who never risks going beyond her limits should never complain about the mediocrity of her existence

Kick-starting the Journey

Deep breath and here we go again,back on the roller-coaster that seems to be defining this journey. It seems that this blog is my sanity, my accountability and my last line of defense. I have been asked why I put this all out to the universe, why share? Sometimes I ask the same question of myself, but the truth of it is I write mainly for myself. Writing is therapeutic for me.If others read it that's great, if  I find a kindred spirit or it helps someone else in their journey, fabulous. 
The other side of the coin is I write because then somebody else knows...
It's easier not to be open about where I am along the road.
It's easier to think I can and will do this alone, to make promises to myself that I will set goals and do something, because then when I fail to keep those promises there are no repercussions, no consequences. Sure I feel like crap, feel guilty that I have let myself down, but no one else knows unless I tell them. Much easier to keep telling myself I can do this alone.
I put this out to the universe because I am amazingly good at hiding things unless I force myself to reveal them. I will stuff things down, plaster a smile on my face even if I feel like I am being eaten alive from the inside out. I can suppress things particularly well.
Funnily enough it is also that ability that has allowed me to get through some major hurdles in my life, to some extent made me stronger and I have survived. But it's not a healthy place to be and time to make more changes.
Time to say out loud when I need help, for someone to hear and for me to know I've been heard. I'll be more likely to stay on track and I won't quietly derail once again.
Now I am not asking anyone to take responsibility for me, I am not asking to be supported or for anyone to feel they have to keep me on track or be a part of the journey.
I am sharing this journey because I have to.
I share this journey because if someone else is reading this it will keep me honest.
I share this journey because maybe someone else is on a similar road and they will feel as though they are not travelling alone. Someone else stuffing it all down, trying to manage it all inside their head.
I share this journey because nothing is easy, it's hard and it's scary and the hardest step to take is always the first. I know it won't be easy, I know there will be hurdles and obstacles, the biggest being the voice in my head. But I know it will be worth the effort.
Thanks for sharing the journey with me , time to buckle up and hold on tight I think it's going to be another bumpy ride.

Through the Looking Glass

Today I have felt as though I fell through the looking glass with Alice.
Tired, emotional and teary seemingly without reason. A planned 10 minute nap turned into a two hour hibernation complete with the guilt that I should have been doing more purposeful things.
As mentioned in  my last post I have begun needling sessions, three in total, with great success. The last being Thursday night. My movement is still limited but improved and best of all maintaining gains in range. I am not sure how to describe the sensation of needling other than odd and weird. It's like being a voodoo doll in reverse, with good being practiced instead of bad.
Today I had a Physio session and as well as walking away feeling as though I had been beaten up I felt emotionally drained as well. Body and mind are so strangely interwoven and today I was acutely aware of this. We discussed final timelines and plans for my shoulder, and also plans for CrossFit training. So why with positive action and direction was I feeling this way? A friend said she feels "the body needs time to "integrate the changes made, whether they be chiropractic, massage, acupuncture etc" perfect sense really and a reminder to listen more closely to my body.
So where to now? Plan of action is to ease back into training 2 to 3 times a week, having recovery days in-between  Return to Physio in a fortnight after another needling session focusing on supraspinatus, which reacted strongly last session. Then with my Physio away for 6 weeks lecturing, teaching and consulting overseas, I will have lots of homework, stretching and mobility. On his return we will make a decision together as to our next move, if I have not improved or if I have plateaued we will look at an MRI and then referral for hydrodilatation treatment.

So like Alice going out to the garden and being shocked to find the paths don't work as she expected. That they twist and turn "more like a corkscrew than a path!" That the paths don't lead in the direction she wants to go, and she spends a long time getting turned around, but always ending back at the house.It's scary enough not being able to anticipate how things will go, but being constantly blind-sided by chaos and frustration sends me down my own corkscrewing path. So my journey like Alice's twists and turns along as I prepare to face my own personal Jabberwocky. 

Twists and Turns

Well this has certainly turned into a CHALLENGE.
A challenge of motivation
A challenge of priority
A challenge of self
It is already week four of the six week challenge and as seems to be my life is strewn with twists, turns and unexpected events.
I began feeling uplifted and positive that this would be a journey back to where I desired to be. Regaining lost strength and fitness. Sure I knew it would not be easy but never did I foresee the difficulties ahead.
When I began the challenge I was on holidays and my shoulder issues ( restrictive adhesive capsulitis ) seemed to be improving, slowly but improving. But then I returned to work which brought with it a return to pain, broken sleep and the depleted movement I had degenerating further. So no cross-fit for a fortnight, granted I did ride my bike , so much that I thought I should start wearing lycra and hangout in coffee shops along the way.
Slowly self pity crept in and the old woe is me attitude returned. I was scheduled to see my Physio at the end of that fortnight. He confirmed what I feared my progress had gone backwards but also helped me to understand why this had happened. As with most things in hindsight it could have been avoided to some extent but again no use focusing on could have, should have insights. Time again to restart and try some different approaches.
In among all this we had the torrential rain and flooding that brought back memories of the floods two years ago. Whilst we suffered none of the devastation that others are enduring it was a worrying time as we sandbagged and hoped for the best. Thankfully the water though coming within metres of our home caused minor problems, and this was due to the storm not the rising waters. Others we know were not so lucky with homes and yards being inundated and now facing both the cleanup and red-tape of insurance claims.

looking up our street 

Well this is a very negative post. Is there anything at all positive at all ?                                                            If you had posed this question at the beginning of the week I would have said a resounding NO ! But after some reflection , there are lots of positives : I have kept my commitment to keep Sonja updated with my treatment so she in turn can assist and modify my workouts accordingly. 
I have kept my commitment to eat healthily and have been more aware of my portion sizes.
I am lucky to live where I do and have access to great bike trails ~ riding along the waterfront is actually quite enjoyable.
Dry needling of my shoulder seems to have helped and range of movement is creeping back up.
I have returned to cross fit and it feels great, I am fortunate to have supportive trainers and community at Cross Fit Desire.
For the first time in a long while I have slept a full night without waking with pain.
So what now? I made a statement earlier this week that I think I need a six month challenge and I have come to the realization that this throw away line is actually the truth. Reality is that until my shoulder is rehabilitated fully there will be lots of twists and turns, ups and downs. My focus now is to keep going, there will be more setbacks but throwing in the towel is not an option. There is light at the end of the tunnel the road is just longer than anticipated.

The Long and Winding Road

With week one done and dusted it has not been a great start for week two.
Week one flew by and without too many unexpected dramas.
 I made it to three sessions at the box and rode my bike along the waterfront on those I missed - commitment met.
Food wise again no hiccoughs as we have not changed our healthy eating habits even though I had not been training. My biggest challenge here I think is portion size. I had still been eating as though I was training and overeating even the healthiest of meals will still be a problem. So portion control will be this weeks focus.
Alcohol whilst banned on the challenge was consumed over the weekend but as it was also my Birthday weekend I had made note of this in my challenge goals and commitments. I didn't over indulge and even after  celebrating into the wee hours at a friends 50th I woke up the next morning feeling clearheaded and not hungover. I obviously had consumed enough for my brain to go momentarily AWOL as on leaving I decided calling a cab was unnecessary and it was a lovely night to walk the 7.6 kilometres home. Foolishly my husband Mark agreed and off we set. It was clear as we were halfway that this was not one of my better ideas and I made the rest of the journey heels in hand and sleepwalking. Sometimes I need saving from myself .....
So week two and yesterday seemed to be strewn with roadblocks and obstacles culminating in my car not starting and no training what so ever achieved  This was even more disappointing as it meant I also missed my own "birthday wod". Never mind hopefully I will have a date with Annie on my day off.
Food wise yesterday although home made with fresh ingredients was off track as well. My daughter as part of her gift to me came and made dinner, a wonderfully decadent creamy, rich Carbonara. Definitely in the comfort food category. I keep trying to tell myself that the zucchini,  mushrooms and peas she puts in her version balance out all the cream and cheese,
Oh well today is a new day and so far going great in all aspects. New day, new start on this long winding road. Oh and if needed feel free to step in and save me from myself if needed

A New Adventure

Well deep breath and here we go again.
It has been quite awhile since I have written anything here but time to restart, rebuild and take control of where I am headed. Since I completed the Paleo Challenge I have had ongoing issues with my shoulder resulting in "poor me , woe is me" syndrome. Symptoms included procrastination, not training, lack of motivation and a decline in my eating habits. There was always a legitimate excuse (in my head) too sore, can't do the WOD, I'll go tomorrow and the list goes on.
The shoulder has now been diagnosed and treatment ongoing, for a time the Physio banned me from Cross-Fit and limited my activity to cardio ....bah humbug . So it was back on my bike, not what I wanted to hear as I so wanted to be back in the box. Last appointment I was given the go ahead to return with provisos ~ no overhead lifting/pull-ups and focus on  volume/technique at lower weights in everything else.
Last week was my return to the box and it made me feel though happy to be back like I was once again a newbie. Running hurt, everything felt heavy and difficult. I was constantly out of breath and after only two sessions couldn't walk up and down the stairs at home, even sitting down was a challenge. This caused much amusement for the two teenage sloths and if I could have managed to catch them would have been tempted to throw them down the stairs.
Week two has coincided with a six week health and fitness challenge at Cross Fit Desire. This is great timing for me and an incentive to keep on track and regain my motivation. So Monday I arrived at the box to be measured, weighed and hand in my goals. Then the fun part - FRAN which was obviously modified for me. I completed front squats with a bar and ring-pulls with a time of 4:36. Looking forward to see what FRAN looks like in my world in six weeks time.
I have managed two consecutive days in the box and a bike ride today, so far so good. .Once again it will be a twisted journey on a forked road.... wish me luck.
Below is what I handed to Sonja on day 1. My Goal is simple and I am determined to honour my commitments.

Desire Health & Fitness Challenge

Colleens’ Goals and Commitment

     ·         I commit to attend a minimum of 3 sessions per week ~ on the days I cannot attend I will ride my bike
 
·         I want to rebuild my fitness and strength ~ I realise some of this revolves around my shoulder rehab
 
·         I commit to continuing to follow physio instruction to help heal my shoulder
issues and will ask Michael to email report and progress including what I can/cannot do. Next appointment February 1st
 
·         I commit to healthy eating, no processed foods, sugar or *alcohol for the duration of the challenge
 
·         I commit to support others on the challenge

Weight loss is not a focus for me, instead my focus will be toning and I will also be guided by fit of clothing.

* Alcohol ~ I will abstained from drinking alcohol excluding the weekend of 19th/20th January. It is my birthday weekend and celebration bubbles are planned. I do commit however not to over indulge